New Year New Me
plus update #5
Current Word Count: 18,645
Remember last week when I said I would love to have 25k written by today? Yeah, neither do I.
The writing this week has been rough going. Finding a flow has been difficult. This is partly a scheduling conflict and partly just the spot I’m in. Scheduling-wise I now know that any writing must absolutely happen first thing in the day. It’s strange but my writing practice is clearest, most an unobstructed, when my brain is just the tiniest bit foggy from waking up. It’s as though my mind gets polluted as the day goes on. All the images, sounds, faces, and thoughts I encounter just plop down in the middle of the hallway. Trying to write around them is painful.
I’m also at a spot in the project now where the road ahead isn’t as clear. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m really tempted to go back and start editing before getting to the end. I made a promise that I would write my way through a first draft before going back. HOWEVER, this is difficult and the urge keeps pulling me back to Page 1.
The compromise I’ve made with myself is that I will get through the first third (there are 3 distinct sections) and then do a little clean up before going to the second segment. In order to move on to the next section I think I will have to do this if I want things to make sense (which I do) and to keep my head on straight.
In any case I am still moving forward even if slowly.
In other news I turned 35 this week. It was a most perfect birthday. Dinner with family on Sunday. Then dinner with friends on Monday. Low-key, relaxed, and meaningful.
Birthdays aren’t a huge deal to me. Sure there’s the existential anxiety about getting older (aka closer to death) but I’m not afraid of the number itself. They are a good opportunity to take inventory of one’s life though. Much like New Years, it’s just another flexion point, a moment of reflection, in life’s winding path.
If I had to sum up what my inventory revealed, it’s that A) my life is very good and B) I’m ready for some changes. As a Pisces who’s a 7 on the enneagram with a touch of ADHD, I have an inherently unsatisfiable nature. I’m constantly on the prowl, looking for that ‘something’ that’ll quench the hunger. I’ve come to realize that it’ll never be quenched and that’s okay. The quest to quench it is kinda the whole point.
That searching, that quest, has led to going with the flow and tasting everything along the way. My 20’s were all about putting in some miles, traversing as much distance as possible. I went with the current. I put my net into the waters of life just to see what I would pull up. It was a grand adventure in many ways.
When my 30’s hit there was still some meandering but roots slowly started to take hold in the ground under me. There was more stability - in housing, in finances, in goals. Now that I’m officially in the second half of this decade, it feels like the right time to build. To really make some shit. I’m realizing that there are things I want to have and I am the only person who can get them for me. Instead of dropping my net into waters unknown and seeing what comes up, it’s time to hunt something specific.
So while I gather all the tools to do that and make space for all the building on the horizon, I will continue leaning into the things that are so good in my life (of which there are many).
Who knew a birthday could impart all that!
The Quest to Quench is going on the song list!
I love that I'm more than twice your age and am still learning, still seeking, still tasting, still going with the flow. I recognize many of my thoughts in your words … thanks for giving me another perspective on my 'say yes' way of life.