The word kept coming up in my journaling over the weekend: tribe. It felt specific; it felt right. Tribe. Something about it feels primordial, built into the very fabric of the thing. And the connection we have certainly feels like it was built into us. Tribe. That was the best way to describe the people I was with on a recent weekend getaway.
Some of the relationships in the group are hard to explain. ‘Sibling’ is easy, pretty straight forward. We had some of those in the mix. But ‘friend’? That word feels looser than the bond it describes. Perhaps it’s an inherent problem in the word itself. Friend could be someone you’ve known since childhood or a work acquaintance you’ve had drinks with a few times. A word to describe one hardly seems like the right word to describe the other. But that’s language for you.
Tribe, on the other hand, really resonates.
The word comes from the latin Tribus stemming from the root trēs, or three. In ancient Rome they divided all their people into 3 groups or tribus - the Ramnes, the Tities (lol), and the Luceres. By 242 BC they expanded to 35 different tribus, including my favorite Clustumina which will be the name of my first born child.
A modern definition of the word goes like this - “a social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect.”
It’s interesting to note that ‘tribe’ is also a taxonomic classification. It’s a means to categorize organisms. We learned about it in high school biology. Tribe falls below family but above genus. The best tribe is obviously the Bombini, aka bumblebees.
That’s who I was with this past weekend. A delicious group of bumblebee-like roman Tities all linked by social and blood ties with a common culture and dialect. And being with my tribe was so good for my soul.
This group of 5 women (and a me) are part of three families who all grew up together in St. Louis and have known each other for 40 years. Yes. Four decades. We were neighbors and friends, attending the same churches and schools and youth groups over the years. We’ve done birthdays and proms and graduations and family vacations and weddings and world travel and births and holidays and deaths together. It’s easy to see why “friend” doesn’t feel quite right.
The thing about a tribe, or at least this particular tribe, is that thousands of miles and lots of time can separate us yet coming together always feels like returning home. It feels a little like returning to myself. This group of women knows me so intimately that they become a mirror. They reflect back the person I was, the person I am, the person I want to be. Being with them is a warm blanket and a fortifying shield. It’s instinctual. It’s primal. It’s equilibrium.
As we relished each other’s company in a quaint one-bathroom* rental house in East Nashville, I was elevated to my highest self. We laughed for nearly 48 hours straight. We had a lot of real conversations. The really real type. The kind I imagine they have in AA meetings where all pretense is stripped away leaving only the truth behind. We cried over life’s heartaches and disappointments. We laughed over shared memories and hilarious blunders. We asked big questions. Small talk need not apply.
It was during this weekend that I realized just how miraculous this tribe is. The origins can be traced back to decisions our parents made in the 80’s and 90’s. Where to live, where to school, where to church. But the rest? The rest was up to us. The rest was showing up for each other, repeatedly, over four decades. The rest was phone calls and FaceTimes and group hangs and flights and hours in the car. The rest was investment. The dividends have paid out and interest has accrued.
I truly wish this type of connection to every person on earth. I want everyone to have a tribe. A group who knows you, who galvanizes you. A group who can make you laugh until you cry and back again. I know our world would be a much healthier place if we became a vast array of tribes, as I believe we were intended, rather than billions of specks all fighting for ourselves individually. It’s the strongest antidote to our epidemic of loneliness. A balm for our species and a balm for our planet.
And for anyone who may not have a decades-old tribe? I’d recommend starting to build one now. There’s no time like the present. Person by person, brick by brick, assemble that group. Collect those nearby and start having real conversations. And maybe, just maybe, doing that consistently enough for long enough will yield an interconnected group bound by shared history over time. And it will take time. All good things do. Because just like Rome, a tribus isn’t built in a day.
*yes you read that correctly…a ONE BATHROOM rental house…and somehow we survived
this made my heart sing when I saw all of you together!!! Just know how much Larry and I love all of you and how glad we are to know you have each other.